Feminism Revisited
This article has been sitting in my drafts for a while, but recent conversations around gender equality have reignited my urge to share my thoughts on feminism—part personal reflection, part simple observation.
Before we dive in, it’s worth revisiting the ever-evolving definition of feminism. Like everything else, its meaning adapts over time. Yet, its foundation remains unchanged: to create an equitable way of life for everyone.
As I understand it—and hopefully, Simone de Beauvoir would agree—feminism is about having a choice and the opportunity to exercise that choice. In essence, it is simple. But when I look around, I see that very foundation being challenged—not just externally but within our own communities. Women questioning each other’s personal and professional choices is both absurd and ironic.
Married women staring right down upon those who are not. Single and professionally thriving women dissing the former. Hands-on mothers questioning those who choose to not have children or choose their careers over raising their children themselves. And it goes on. Very plainly speaking, this is not what being a feminist is and this is what truly stops us from being our best selves.
Here’s the thing that we missed about feminism — every person deserves a safe space to exercise their choice without implications. Whatever choice that may be. A stay-at-home mom is a feminist without a question. If her partner treats her as a lesser being then he is the one who’s values need questioning not the woman’s.
We need to talk about this now more than ever because there’s a trend on social media that promotes the idea of a feminist being someone who’s professionally working and earning money. It is not only questionable but also dangerous. As a generation, I grew up with this idea and as I go deeper in my 30’s, I am realising how problematic it is. Ideas that revolve around ‘Boss Babe’ culture are not only painting a false idea of reality but also affecting mental health of many women who are torn between what they really want and what they are expected to have, in order to come across as strong and feminist like. The way social conditioning that made women stay within the bounds of a kitchen was wrong, this conditioning is also wrong. This thought also stands for men who are made to believe that it is their primary job to earn money. But for the sake of sticking to the theme, we’ll talk about men another day.
Coming back to women, the more conversations I have with them and especially mothers, I am realising that ‘You can have it all’ is a lie- a toxic narrative told by a toxic society that also tells toxic stories about hustling and winning and that hard work makes you rich. Reality is far different. I have personally never found a woman who was happily and healthily thriving in all the different roles in her life without compromising on her personal space and happiness or some aspect; maybe relationships.
Most young mothers, for instance, struggle balancing their lives because they have been taught to only rush and be like their male counterparts; while also popping babies and raising them well. There’s this innate desire to prove that we can have it all even though we are mothers; as if being a mother is some old school phenomenon that needs to be lathered up in shiny professional success or some other modern day cloaks. But it comes at a cost of not being your best self — mental, physical and spiritual. This is true for a lot of women, especially in the west where families play minimal roles in helping with raising children and paid help is a luxury.
On the other hand, let’s also address women who don’t want to have it all. They want to be and choose to be housewives. Perhaps because being a housewife in some cases gives them all what they aspire for. And on the other hand, some women don’t have the choice to make, given their personal reasons or where they live. Does that mean they are not feminist? I disagree strongly. These are all contextual things and we need to stop generalising them.
A feminist is a woman who fights for the inequalities that surround her and fight for creating a fairer ground for future generations. These inequalities differ from person to person, place to place and time to time. Period.
If money could equate to power then professionally thriving women, who earn better than their male counterparts would not be getting subjected to any subjugation, including domestic violence or even sexual harassment at work. As a contradiction to that, we can find illiterate women in rural parts of the world who strive to fight social stigmas and pressures in order to create a safer future for their children. They are not ‘boss babes’ as the world knows but feminists nevertheless.
Moving onto familial roles, when two people come together to create a family, they are essentially making a team. A team where both have the choice and opportunity to choose how they can best support in maximising efficiency. In some cases men play a better role being stay at home dads and as a society we must applaud it. But mostly for the initial phase of motherhood, women play the primary role of taking care of babies because that’s the biological and physiological need. Pregnancy and breastfeeding are still a woman’s role and that is not up for debate. When women are forced to go back to work in a short timespan such as six weeks, like in the U.S. then it is not out of passion and pleasure for most. This kind of social setup is destructive to a young family and that needs questioning. Not the mother who chooses to work because she needs to work and not the mother who chooses to stay back because she has the privilege to do so.
We need to stop questioning each other and start questioning workplaces that don’t respect a mother’s limitations and or the fact that the first two days of menstruation are gruelling for a lot of women. Start questioning the fact that money, which is a social construct, has come to be associated with a woman’s femininity and strength. Start questioning the notions that make a woman want to be like a man when she’s capable of a lot more if she truly lets her divinity shine. This list is endless but I have to stop for the sake of your time.
The bottomline is that gender rights must not depend on how one chooses to live or what their circumstances ask of them. Feminism is about real issues such as legal rights and freedom of choice and they should be offered freely to everyone irrespective of how they live or who they are.
Our definition of feminism will go through many changes as we progress through different phases of our lives. As a student, it will differ from when we are working to our role as mothers to when our children grow up. It might look different for a single woman in her 30s or 40s or a single mom.
I hope whoever you are and wherever you are, you get a safe space to be that without judgement and that you create it for others as well. I urge you to slow down and take a deep breath. Everything surrounding you is only a trend in time. Only you know what you want and how you want and I applaud your path.
